The Random Jokes Thread

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Ladies playing golf

Post by hontoir on Tue May 20, 2008 10:55 pm

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivees?', Ole demanded.

'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'


The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?'

She too explains, 'You din na give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....Tidy yerself up a bit.'

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Re: The Random Jokes Thread

Post by Sally on Tue May 20, 2008 10:57 pm

ha ha very funny very very funny nice one keep um coming jokes ftw
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The Random Jokes Thread

Post by hontoir on Tue May 20, 2008 11:04 pm

True Stories!!


Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.




A boy asks his gran, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?" Granny replies "F#ck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kicthen?"




A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, "I look horrible, i feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment"

He replies "Your eyesight is perfect!"




Wife gets naked and asks hubby "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

Hubby looks her up and down and replies "Your f#cking sense of humour!"




and continue...

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Re: The Random Jokes Thread

Post by maeleh on Tue May 20, 2008 11:12 pm


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Re: The Random Jokes Thread

Post by hontoir on Tue May 20, 2008 11:15 pm

maeleh wrote:

Whats this a spot the difference without a difference??

*edit* Ah i see.... didnt have my HD laptop turned on Wink

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Re: The Random Jokes Thread

Post by Sally on Tue May 20, 2008 11:15 pm

there is 2 blondes and a brunette hanging from a branch which is leaning over a cliff, now the branch is threating to snap so the brunette says one of us has to let go.. there was a short silence then the brunette says fine i will let go and the blondes both clapped.


question.:what do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear.
answer: a wind tunnel

question: how do you know if a blonde has used your computer
answer: tipex on the screen

question: how do you know if a blonde jas sent you an email
answer: the computer is in the letter box

A blonde goes out for a night out with here mates and manages to pull a man they chat and have a great night on the way back home the man asks can we have sex so the blonde says ok. so they find somewhere and start to have sex but the man stops and says shouldn't we use protection.. the blonde says well were under a bus shelter i thought that we be ok

A man walks into a bar and goes to he bar lady i will have a cider and also couldi tell you a blonde joke. the bar lady says well be careful i am blonde and a black belt in karate, she then says also my bounser is blonde and she is a weight lifting champion oo and you see those three blondes behind you there werestling champs so um do you still wanna tell you joke. the man replies no not really i don't want to have to explain it 5 times.
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Re: The Random Jokes Thread

Post by Pipboy_3000 on Tue May 20, 2008 11:38 pm

An Enlishman, Scotsman and Irishman are stuck on a desert island, while scouring for food they find a magic lamp, They give it a rub and all of a sudden a genie appears, and offers them all one wish each.

The englishman says "I wish i was back at home with all of the sexiest women in the world in my bed"

Then the scotsman says "I wish i was in Vegas with all the money in the world"

Finally the genie turns to the Irishman and says what do you desire, to which he responds "I wish the other two were here... im getting lonley"

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Re: The Random Jokes Thread

Post by Sally on Tue May 20, 2008 11:59 pm

There's and english man, scotts man and a irish man and there all get caught by canniballs, the caniballs tie them to stakes and are going to shot them the first go for the english man now being smart the english man shouts hurricane and all the canniballs look away and he gets free and runs off to freedom they next go for the scotts man who sees what the english man did and copies him and shouts flood and he too gets free and runs off to his freedom next the caniballs go for the irish man and seeing what the english man and scotts man did he thinks this is the one time i can be clever so he tries his luck he shouts fire and they do.
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Re: The Random Jokes Thread

Post by Bouch on Wed May 21, 2008 12:09 am

Slow golfers are ahead of us
Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.
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Re: The Random Jokes Thread

Post by Bouch on Wed May 21, 2008 12:12 am

New Microsoft Windows advertising slogans
At the time of writing, Microsoft's slogan for Windows 95 was "Where do you want to go today?" These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

15. How do you want to crash today?
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Re: The Random Jokes Thread

Post by b0ring on Wed May 21, 2008 12:48 am

"I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, 'That is cool.' But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, 'That is not cool'. Then I figured it out: 'Cool' is all about leather sleeves."

"'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You’re going to live' or 'It's a boy.'"

"Saying 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral."

(regarding Myspace) "On the downside, it's loaded with sexual predators. On the plus side, it's also loaded with sexual prey."

"I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' And I said, 'I am.'"

^- All courtesy of Demetri Martin -^
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Re: The Random Jokes Thread

Post by Bouch on Thu May 22, 2008 2:05 am

A collection of insults!
If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents.

If you don't want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately.

Is your name Laryngitis? You're a pain in the neck.

Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people's hair.

I hear you pick your friends -- to pieces!!

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.

They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.

You should toss out more of your funny remarks; that's all they're good for.

People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!

You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals.

I wish you were all here. I don't like to think there is more!

If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!
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Re: The Random Jokes Thread

Post by Fry on Thu May 22, 2008 3:53 pm

There was a blonde driving her car down a country lane, when she looks and sees in the middle of a grassy field another blonde sitting in a rowing boat.
She tuts and gets out her car, walks to the blonde in the boat and sits down and says you can't row without ores!
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Re: The Random Jokes Thread

Post by Sally on Fri May 23, 2008 1:51 am

i am posting this joke before tom bennett does and its my joke not his..

Question: How do you know if a blonde has been in your fridge?
Answer: There is lipstick on the cucumbers.
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Re: The Random Jokes Thread

Post by Fry on Fri May 23, 2008 1:57 am

I man walks into a bar...and takes his hat off to reveal a 11 inch man... he then goes to the bar man, a half and a pint of bitter please... so the bar man abligies... then asks the man "so whats with your friend"
the man then looks back and says
"he's an amazing pianist, he'll play anything"
so the barmen, and the locals all test this fact,...and of course the 11 inch man does...he can play anything..
so they ask
"where did you come across such a talented friend"
"well its a interesting tale, i found this genie who offered me one wish, and i said i want an 11 inch penis...but i coughed so it came out as 11 inch pianist"
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Re: The Random Jokes Thread

Post by Bouch on Fri May 23, 2008 9:39 pm

Shooting your computer
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

From the Echoes-Sentines [?], Somerset County, NJ, Sept. 17, 1987:

GILLETTE RESIDENT IS ARRESTED AFTER SHOOTING HIS COMPUTER

PASSAIC TWP. -- A Gillette man was arrested at his home last Thursday night after he fired eight bullets at his home computer, according to police.

The man, Michael A. Case, 35, of 64 Summit Ave., was arrested shortly after 11 p.m., at his house, when police said they received a report that shots were fired. They arrived at the home to find a .44 Magnum automatic handgun and a shot-up IBM personal computer with a Princeton Graphics System monitor.

The monitor screen was blown out by the blasts and its inner workings were visible, Lt. Donald Van Tassel said on Monday. The computer, which had bullet holes in its hardware, was hit four times while four more bullet holes were found in various areas next to the computer, Van Tassel said.

"The only thing he (Case) said was that he was mad at his computer so he shot it," Van Tassel said.

The handgun, which the lieutenant identified as an Israeli Arms Desert Eagle .44, has "a lot of firepower," he said. "It's a big gun." Case used hollow-point, or dum-dum, bullets, he added.

Case was surprised when police arrested him because he didn't think he was breaking the law, Van Tassel said. "He couldn't understand why he couldn't shoot his own computer in his own home," Van Tassel said.

Case was charged with recklessly creating a risk and using a firearm against the property of another, because the house is reportedly owned by a relative. The walls were also damaged by the shots, according to police.

He was also charged with unlawful posession of a firearm without a permit, and with possession of illegal bullets, police said.

In addition, Case was issued to summonses, for discharging a weapon in a restricted area and for discharging a single-projectile weapon, police said.

Case spent early Friday morning in the Morris County Jail and was released later in the day on $2,500 bail, according to police.

A Municipal Court appearance is scheduled for today, Sept. 17.
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